(The Return of) Ignatz, by Sam Heldman

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

sugar daddy or mommy wanted, for nutty articles
Rightwing eggheads have it all figured out: they get paid (directly or indirectly) to write crazy-ass articles like this (arguing that the recent class action "reform" bill "doesn't go nearly far enough" and proposing various other changes to make it even less likely that corporations will be called to the carpet when they cheat lots of people for a little bit each). What a sweet deal. And here I am writing this silly blog for free. If I had a patron, I would write an article proposing a new legal cause of action called "fraudulent time-wasting" that would allow lawyers to sue on behalf of a class, whenever some company sends out a mass mailing that says "IMPORTANT MESSAGE INSIDE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH BENEFITS" or "PRIORITY MAILGRAM TO: Sam Heldman" or other stuff designed to get you to think it's important to open a piece of mail but then you find out that it's really just junk. The damages would be $1 per recipient, as a reasonable approximation of the value of the time wasted, plus attorneys' fees. That way, Democratic elected officials could demonstrate reasonableness, and gain whatever pro-business cred they think they need, by opposing my proposal rather than by signing on here and there to absurd Republican stuff.

posted by sam 7:05 AM 3 comments


One would think the vaunted right-wing conspiracy should get its act together so it wasn't financing both articles calling for centralization of class actions through CAFA and articles opposing centralization of class actions through CAFA like this one did. With the resulting efficiencies, maybe they could pay me.

Of course, trial lawyers never pay anyone like Joanne Doroshow to speak out against CAFA.

But I like your junk mail idea. If only there were some federal regulatory agency charged with the task of rooting out deceptive trade practices.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:24 PM  

We all learned from the Underground Grammarian that quality of writing reflects quality of mind. Thus, I think everyone would agree that the author of the article linked-to might as well take money from absurd corporate think tanks, otherwise they would be inhaling paint and stealing quarters from vending machines. Perhaps with education he could be elevated to the level of a shoe salesman, although I doubt it.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:39 PM  

Ha! Brilliant, Sam.

By Blogger Swan, at 10:47 AM  

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